Tuesday, April 26, 2011

3D Dog Says: Herzog's 'Cave' Is A Grizzly Mess

By 3D Dog
Anytown, Planet Earth

Maybe it's a dog thing, but I've never really understood the appeal of Werner Herzog as a filmmaker. Sure, he's made a LOT of documentaries. And some of 'em are pretty interesting, thanks to his reliable habit of picking provocative subject matter. But you still spend most of your time ignoring, or forgiving, all of the annoying little idiosyncrasies that make it Herzog films...well, Herzog films.

The Cave Of Forgotten Dreams is no exception. The topic is fascinating - the discovery of an untouched, completely preserved 34,000 year old cave in France full of neanderthal cave drawings and the bones of animals that have been extinct for thousands of years. Incredibly, Herzog managed to finagle the exclusive rights to filming - the French government is unlikely to grant access to anyone besides an elite group of archaeologists, ever again. And he still managed to royally fuck up a subject that NatGeo could have made history with. From minute one, Herzog asks that you forgive him for any number of filmmaking no-no's - he and his crew are only allowed in for a short time, and have virtually no room to move about, so they and they're equipment are in nearly every shot of the cave.

One of the few redeeming qualities is actually the 3D - being able to see the contours and the texture of the cave drawings, bones and claw marks really make you feel like you're in there. Other than that, his heavy-handed voiceovers are riddled with schmaltz, and an uninterrupted 20 minute segment of cave shots set to pan flute music makes you want to claw your eyes out. By the 30 minute mark, it was clear that they only had about 40 minutes of unique content that they planned on stretching into a 90 minute feature, come hell or high water.

Summary: I never thought I'd be bored to death in a movie almost entirely about bones.

Wags: 2/5

Monday, April 25, 2011

A Fucking Cat Presents: Weekend Box Office Roundup

Rio Rakes It In…Again.
By Sammy Miller, Guest Contributor
West Hollywood, California

Yawwwwn, another dreadful weekend for moviegoers…. With another $26.3MM, that damn bird managed to squeak by Madea Goes To The Bathroom and take first place for the second weekend in a row. Who is paying money to watch these abominations? I’d trade two of my nine lives to Tyler Perry if he’d just promise to stop making man-in-drag-and-a-fat-suit movies.

$25MM more dollars for the Madea franchise, although it’s best days are clearly behind us….the series hit its financial peak in ’09 when she went to jail and pulled in $40MM opening weekend. Wake me up when it’s time to review Madea Calls It Quits And Retires Privately.

Water For Elephants proves once again that Robert Pattinson can’t carry a movie as a mere mortal. With only $16.8MM, I’d say that there are plenty of elephants out there having to trade in their Evian and go back to drinking from the toilet.

Well, there you have it… only a few weeks left until the summer blockbuster season kicks in. Until then, I hear Disney has an African Cats documentary that’s quite fascinating. Ciao for now!

Water For Elephants Is Porno For Cougars

By Miss Tummy Cole, Top Critic
San Francisco, California

Sometimes I think about digging a hole under the fence and making a run for it. I could be a free agent, a solitary pup, making up my own rules, and then breaking ‘em. Maybe people would pay me kibble to do tricks – I can sit, stay, shake, and sometimes even roll over. I could be a big star! But I know I’d miss my mom, so I’ve decided to just stick around and play it cool, for now. But it sure is fun to dream, especially after watching a neat movie like this weekend’s Water For Elephants.

This movie tells the story of veterinary college dropout Jacob Jankowski (Twilight’s Robert Pattinson) who literally runs away and joins the circus. When ringmaster and major meanie August learns of the stowaway’s unique credentials, he promotes him to official vet to the Benzini Brother’s menagerie, one that includes lions, hyenas, Arabian horses and the star attraction – an elephant named Rosie. But we come to find that August is no easy man to work for - he abuses his employees, his animals, and even his glamorous wife Marlena (Reese Witherspoon). Now, Jacob has to protect not just his own hide, but also those of the animals he cares for and the woman he covets.

I liked pretty much everything about this movie. Rosie the Elephant was a real pro. There’s a Jack Russell named Queenie with a pretty big role for such a small dog. Christoph Waltz, who plays August, is a terrific villain, and I laughed so hard at this one part where he grabs Reese by her pointy chin. Pattinson just kind of stands there, but he’s hunky enough that it’s no big deal that he can’t act for shit. Reese’s was performance pretty good, and she looks very glamorous, but she’s about 10 years too old to play love interest to Pattinson. Their chemistry was not so great. I heard he prefers brunettes anyway.

Summary: Not the most spectacular show on Earth, but not half bad either.

Wags: 3/5

Friday, April 22, 2011

RUFF CROWD EXCLUSIVE - The Troll Hunter Is A Treasure!

By Stella Cole, Top Critic
Hollywood, California

Let me start by saying that shaky cam movies do not typically sit well with this dog. And by that, I mean that I usually barf up my Alpo before those Blair Witch kids even lose their map. But after seeing the trailer for the much-buzzed-about The Troll Hunter, I decided to skip lunch and check out the director’s screening in Culver City – if only because the trolls looked really neat, and I’m a big fan of, well, underdog filmmaking.

This flick is a Norwegian horror/adventure film about some students who stumble upon a government conspiracy to conceal the existence of enormous trolls in the Scandanavian wilderness. It’s subtitled, but otherwise fun and easy to follow, in the vein of 2009’s Norwegian gorefest, Dead Snow. Since the plot surrounds a trio of students making a college film about the mysterious deaths of some local bears, it’s shot entirely from the viewpoint of the amateur cameraman – complete with grainy night-footage, crashing ground-views, and running-through-the-woods footage that can really make your stomach turn.

But then the trolls show up. Expertly animated into the scenery, these giant creatures really shine as the stars of the show. I triple-dog dare anyone to look away while one of these hilarious monsters is on-screen. The can have multiple heads, but are notoriously stupid. Their other memorable traits include being smelly, and prone to exploding or turning to stone when exposed to UVB lighting. Did I mention that they live to feast on the blood of true Christian believers? All in all, The Troll Hunter transcends your typical monster movie in so many ways – it’s exciting, scary, and truly very funny at times. So make sure to see it when it hits independent theaters this summer – an American remake is already in the works, and you can bet that all of the original, innovative fun will be watered down like the drinks at Applebee’s.

Summary: The Troll Hunter is unique filmmaking worth retching for.

Wags: 4/5

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Something Stinks...Oh, It's Scream 4.

By River Shaughnessy, Top Critic
Denver, Colorado

The time was the mid-nineties. I was just a young pup. The Spice Girls were topping the charts. Matthew Lilliard was still considered a bankable young star. Boy, things sure have changed since then! Even so, when I saw that they were trying to wring a bit more profit out of the old Scream franchise by releasing a 4th installment, I couldn’t resist a trip down memory lane, back to old Woodsboro High School where Ghost Face originally made his mark as a knife-wielding maniac for the ages.

With so many hot youngsters in Hollywood today, I figured that there was no way they’d dig up ol’ dog-fraced Neve Campbell to reprise her role as Sydney Prescott. Ruh-roh! Wrong again. Scream 4 brings back Sydney, Gale Weathers AND Deputy Dewie for another crack at solving a new string of mysterious murders (conveniently tied to the anniversary of the original murders, and Sydney’s triumphant return to Woodsboro).

Even through Scream 4 was eye-rollingly bad from minute-one, there was a nostalgic enjoyment to the first half. The old routine of the two babes alone in the house, getting the phone call, falsely accusing their friends of pranking them, and then dying a grisly death at the hands of Ghost Face was as comfortable to me as my high-school dog bed. But the last act was riddled with a twist so groan-worthy, I find it hard to believe that any screenwriter would take credit for it. Pair that with the fact that there’s not a single legitimate fright in the whole movie, and what you’re left with is a real stinker.

Summary: I’ve got a hole all set in the backyard. Let’s bury this franchise once and for all, shall we?

Wags: 2/5

Monday, April 18, 2011

A Fucking Cat Presents: Weekend Box Office Roundup

Rio De Dinero
By Sammy Miller, Guest Contributor
West Hollywood, California

A goddamn parrot won the box office this weekend, proving once and for all that kids will literally watch anything. While I can’t imagine that RIO any more trite than last weekend’s Hop, it still goes to show that Spring is the absolute worst time of year for adult moviegoers. So a big congrats to animators Blue Sky and studio 20th Century Fox, for raking in $40MM of our hard earned dollars that we simply could not think of anything better to do with over the weekend.

There was little 90’s nostalgia in the air, with Scream 4 bringing in less than $20MM. Hopefully we’re done with this franchise once and for all, that is, unless ghost face is planning on stalking Neve Campbell throughout her retirement home. God help us if her Party of Five royalty checks ever dry up.

Atlas Shrugged Part 1’s limited release did respectably per screening, but barely scratched the surface with a measly $1.6MM. If they can’t muster up enough interest for a larger release, I see Part 2 going straight to DVD. Which might not be such a bad thing… this whole production felt very “small screen” from day one.

Well, better run – I’m having my cat condo re-carpeted, and I can’t wait to sink my claws into the new Berber. Ciao for now.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Date Night!!

No, not the Tina Fey/Steve Carrell kind. It’s Friday, and I’ve got a hot one tonight! Not much to look forward to in theaters this weekend, but maybe a solid scare, courtesy of Scream 4 will set the mood for snuggling.

The libertarian in me wants to check out the big screen adaptation of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged (Part 1), but Cosmo Dog recommends avoiding controversial political discourse during the early stages of courtship. So that’s out!

The kid in me wants to see RIO, but Roger Ebert’s dog Blackie just texted me, and apparently, it’s only so-so.

Well, I’d better go – I have so much to do! Pick up my bandana from the cleaners, tidy up the doghouse. Oh, and I better brush my teeth, because romance is in the air, I can feel it. Check back on Monday for new reviews and that Fucking Cat's box office round-up. Bark at ya later!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Jane Eyre Hardly Tickles The Fancy

By Sir Jasper Barone, Top Critic
Shropshire, United Kingdom

Harummph…. this old thing again. Indeed! You’d have to be daft not to know this story already, so let’s just get on with it, shall we?

Jane Eyre is the tale of a disenfranchised girl with a troubled upbringing who finds herself a job as governess to the young ward of a volatile English gentleman. As they say, opposites attract, and the sensible young Jane falls head over heels for her broody employer. As with any proper English courtship, they must endlessly tiptoe around each other’s foibles before stuffy old Mr. Rochester finally confesses his mutual love for Jane and they prepare to wed. However, a shocking revelation at the wedding has the viewer wondering if these lovers will get their happy ending, or if we’re simply in store for more brooding.

The 2011 remake of this classic tale of love and betrayal doesn’t stray far from any of its BBC predecessors. This is not Baz Luhrman’s modern twist on Romeo & Juliet, we’re playing strictly by the rules here. Therefore, the only elements we can assess is how capable the actors are of portraying the Bronte’s immortalized lovers, Jane and Rochester. Michael Fassbender gets on perfectly well as Rochester, balancing the severe and the pathetic in just the right doses. Alice in Wonderland’s Mia Wasikowska injects some childlike innocence into the role, underscoring the significant age difference between herself and her moody employer. She has the plain-Jane role down to a tee, being both easy on the eyes, but also believably British looking (unlike the pouty miss Kiera Knightly who makes Jane Austen read like a Paris runway). Personally I preferred the 1996 performance of that screwball Charlotte Gainsbourg who showed her panty-hamster in 2009’s Antichrist.

Summary: I once got cockeyed drunk with the Newfoundland that played Pilot. And just between us? Total bum-bandit.

Wags: 2/5

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

RUFF CROWD EXCLUSIVE - I Thought It Was “Steak Land”

By Stella Cole, Top Critic
Hollywood, California

If you haven’t heard of IFC Films’ new vampire drama, Stake Land, don’t be surprised – it’s gearing up for a relatively quiet limited release on April 22nd. But when the screener arrived at my door, I just couldn’t resist diving in – even if just to see what all the viral buzz was about. I’ll admit I was initially skeptical – at first glance, the monster makeup is largely reminiscent of the bloated brows and exaggerated overbites of Buffy-era vamps (and nothing like the Gucci-wearing sparkle hunks we’ve grown accustomed to recently). But I’d just had my walk, and the ‘rents were already on board, so I snuggled up on the couch, and was pleasantly surprised by a fairly sophisticated horror film.

The first thing to note is that the plot is nearly identical to that of Zombieland, but with a shockingly dark and haunting tone. In the wake of a “plague” that has the vast majority of Americans rising from their graves and drinking the blood of the living, an orphaned teen boy has to make his was across a devastated countryside in search of a rumored safe-haven. A hardened but savvy drifter, known only has Mister, takes the teen under his wing, and together, they hit the ol’ dusty trail, collecting fangs as they go. Eventually their posse grows to include an aging nun, a short-lived marine, and a pregnant gal pal that desperately wants to make it to safety before her babe is born. But perhaps even scarier than the slew of ravenous vamps they encounter along the way was the tribe of religious zealots convinced that the plague had been sent my God to cleanse the world of the wicked. While a lurching bloodsucker is easy enough to burn, shoot, or stake, these warriors of Christ were determined to make their journey a living hell, every step of the way.

The interesting use of music and a haunting narration by the main character really set this movie apart from all of its horror brethren. Even though the character of Mister left much to be desired (his acting was painfully wooden, so no surprise later when we see that he was also the film’s writer), you find yourself genuinely rooting for the boy and hoping for his safe passage. The gore was respectable – more black bile than gooey red stuff, and it’s not bogged down with silly one-liners or kissing. In retrospect, it was far closer to The Road than to Zombieland. And that ain’t a bad thing.

Summary: Stake Land is not your average fang-bang.

Wags: 3/5

Monday, April 11, 2011

A Fucking Cat Presents: Weekend Box Office Roundup

‘Hop’ Wins By A Hare
By Sammy Miller, Guest Contributor
West Hollywood, California

Looks like another victory for the bourgeois … Animated embarrassment Hop wins the box office for the second week in a row with $21.7MM, has me retching into my kitty litter. Do we really need a feature film about Easter? Was Hollywood worried that our brain cells might be rejuvenating in these dark days between the last Alvin & The Chipmunks and this summer’s The Smurfs?

Arthur phones it in with a measly $12.6MM opening…No big surprise that the studio didn’t publish the film’s budget. Could it be because Russel Brand’s hair and wardrobe cost nearly twice that much? This cat thinks Dudley Moore must be rolling over in his grave.

Hanna gave a promising showing with $12.3MM. Is this a prequel to that awful hairball that Disney’s been cramming down our throats for years now? I do know that little girl was just purrrrrfect in Atonement. Now that was a film that a civilized cat like me could really meow about.

Soul Surfer came in fourth with a surprising $11.1MM. Must have been a strong turnout by those movie goers who liked Blue Crush but felt that the hero had too many arms.

Well, that’s your weekend box office roundup. These dogs are really starting to irritate me. Adieu for now.

Hanna, Take A Bow-wow

By Carl Scarano-Schulze, Top Critic
Los Angeles, California

I’ll tell you a secret. I may be just a young pup, but I’m a trained killing machine. Of course, I would never, ever hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it. But mess with my mom or dad, and I will attack. And you don’t want that!

That’s why I can’t stop wagging about this weekend’s HANNA. It’s like the story of my life! See, Hanna’s just like me. She’s a little sweetie who can totally snap and go all apeshit on some bad guys, namely Cate Blanchett who plays the surprisingly menacing operative Marisa Viegler. Raised in isolation, Hanna is trained in combat, linguistics, and general survival skills by her ex-pat Dad. Dad knows that if any of his old government buddies find out where he and his daughter are hiding, they’ll be silenced, permanently. So when she finally comes of age, they embark on their plan to split up and kill Marisa Viegler once and for all, thus guaranteeing their lasting peace and safety. Along the way, Hanna finds out what life is like outside of her snowy fortress, makes a few friends, and risks everything to reunite with her papa and learn the truth about her mysterious birth.

The Chemical Brothers score was a real winner – it doesn’t drive you up the walls, but it makes all of the fight and chase scenes really exciting. Seventeen year old star Saorise Ronan is PERFECT as Hanna – she’s ass-kickingly aloof, not at all like last summer’s cutesy Hit Girl. The villains were complex and genuinely frightening (My apologies to other theater-goers if my growling was distrurbing at all!) All in all, I say that director Joe Wright really knows his stuff – I was on the edge of my seat the whole time!

Summary: I haven’t been this excited since the mail came!

Wags: 5/5

Friday, April 8, 2011

See You At The Movies!

It's Friday, I've got my best collar on, my tail is a-waggin', and I'm ready to go to the movies! We've got a few great flicks on the radar for the weekend, namely the much-anticipated HANNA and the not-so-anticipated Your Highness, starring the usually-funny Danny McBride as well as Natalie Portman's fanny in a thong.

We've also got a special treat - a FUCKING CAT will be doing the weekend box office review! So stay tuned - We'll bark at ya later!

Matt Damon & The Tramp

By Miss Tummy Cole, Top Critic
San Francisco, California

My favorite movie of all time is Lady and the Tramp, and The Adjustment Bureau was almost exactly like it. This trampy bitch meets a classy lad in a seedy place (a public restroom) and they decide they want to go out for spaghetti and meatballs at that hot new alley. They run into trouble when a team of dogcatchers plots to keep them apart. The dogcatchers have this really cool system of magic doors they use to travel through space and time in Manhattan.

Matt Damon and Emily Blunt make a very believable couple. I bet if they manage to evade the dogcatchers, they'll move in together, buy a nice house with a big boneyard out back, and have several litters of puppies. My kind of people. I found myself rooting for them from their very first scene. I pictured the cute little gucci bag Emily Blunt would use to tote me around New York in and my fabulous collection of winter sweaters. I also eagerly anticipated double digit numbers of BusyBones those two would cough up in an effort to keep me occupied while they have lots of "getting to know you" sex.

As a beagle, I really identified with how frustrating those magic doors were to Matt Damon, and I'm way smarter than he is. I mean, every time I meet a closed door, no matter how insanely hard I inhale, I can never quite figure out what's on the other side. I've always suspected that it randomly changes, and The Adjustment Bureau confirmed my suspicions about the impermanence of objects. I wish I had thumbs.

The movie was hugely entertaining, due largely to the believable chemistry of our two romantic leads. Plus, a large number of scenes were filmed on location in Manhattan, where you can clearly see stink lines emanating from all the authentic-looking street garbage. Yum!

Summary: Can I have a treat now?

Rating: 4/5 Wags

Thursday, April 7, 2011

‘Hobo With A Shotgun’ Should Be Put Down

By River Shaughnessy, Top Critic
Denver, Colorado

I’m a big dog – I love me some Grindhouse, and I can handle my share of onscreen violence without up-chucking on the oriental rug. So when all my puppy pals at SXSW were barking about this wild new indie flick, Hobo With A Shotgun, I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into it. But boy was I disappointed. This amateurish flick had all the appeal of your most clich├ęd film school senior project. Even viewers who tune in just for the whimsical romp of a hard R-rating will likely get turned off by the lackluster script, over-the-top acting, and sub-par gore effects.

What’s it about you might ask? Take a fucking guess, smart guy. Rutger Hauer, the films only recognizable face, plays a down-on-his-luck homeless fellow who decides that enough is enough when he sees the streets around him turn into a cesspool of filth and violence. His flavorless brand of vigilante justice targets “Drake”, an evil…. gangster? politician? ringmaster?... the filmmakers don’t really explain who he is. The point is, this is one bad mother fucker. Anywho, Mr. Hobo is keen to stick up for the downtrodden, namely a young prostitute with a heart of gold named Abbie. They fall in love (gross!) and plan to run away together.

But first, Hobocop has to shoot the dicks off of Drake’s slimy sons.

My sincere wish was that Hobo With A Shotgun would be one of those awesome “so-bad-it’s-good” gore fests where plot comes secondary to the bloodbath. Unfortunately, director Jason Eisener felt compelled to take it so far, it collapsed in on itself in a sticky mess of Karo syrup and plastic entrails.

Summary: Rutger Hauer? More like Ruffgrrrrr Howler. Zing!

Wags: 1/5

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Rango Was Off The Chain!

By Stella Cole, Top Critic
Hollywood, California

Animated films about animals can go one of two ways: They either become instant classics (think Lion King or All Dogs Go To Heaven) or they’re big steaming piles of poo (like Barnyard, Chicken Little, or all those awful Land Before Time sequels). Usually, the cuter the onscreen doodles are, the more painfully trite the story is. So when I saw just how ugly and frightening the characters in Rango are, I knew I was in for some fun.

Now I’m almost 8 years old, which is 56 for humans, so I’m no young pup. And it’s a good thing too, because Rango is definitely the most mature animal flick I’ve seen in a long time. It’s about a domesticated chameleon who loses his free ride after his owner’s car hits a pothole. Stuck in the middle of the desert, Rango has to adapt to survive. He finds himself in a Wild West shantytown with some of the most bizarre desert creatures you’ve seen on the big screen. In between making friends (and a few enemies), Rango uses his natural Chameleon talents to convince the severely dehydrated townspeople that he’s their savior. And then he’s got to deliver!

Between the high-octane adventures and the gorgeous desert scenery, Rango is chock full of existential dilemma. Who are we? What is our purpose? How does a Chameleon even begin to define his own identity? The film explores all of these questions, and more, through some totally trippy hallucination sequences, and a divine-being known only as the Spirit of the West.

Summary: Rango really reminded me of the time I ate some funny mushrooms growing in our old backyard. I think I’ll eat some more when it comes out on DVD.
Rating: 5/5 Wags

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Limitless: Like Catnip, But For People

by Carl Scarano-Schulze, Top Critic
Los Angeles, California

I really hate it when my Mom or Dad have to give me my heartworm pill. They always hide it in a piece of cheese, like I won’t even notice. I can’t even enjoy cheese anymore, and it used to be my favorite treat. Did you know that humans take pills all the time, just for fun?!?!

I guess that’s why I thought Limitless was a little confusing at first. But then it got pretty cool! Bradley Cooper plays Eddie Morra, a guy who gets offered a “super-pill” that makes him instantly ultra smart and charismatic, which he then uses to get rich, rich, rich. Things are going great until he runs out, and then he really has to scramble to get more and keep his magic medicine a secret from his lady-friend and his new boss. It’s heart-pounding thrill ride – just like the time I drank my mom’s latte while she was in the bathroom.

I like Bradley Cooper – he’s in that other movie where he and his buds call themselves a “Wolfpack”. Cooper is a nice, respectable dog name. Plus, he really carried this movie. It was fun watching him go from sick puppy to alpha dog. Even though he never really learns a lesson, I can sympathize. Learning is hard.

Summary: I could’ve really used that NZT stuff when I was in puppy kindergarten.

Rating: 3/5 Wags

Source Code Barks Up The Wrong Tree

By Stella Cole, Top Critic
Hollywood, California

I was out on a walk when I first saw the movie poster for Source Code, and right away I thought it looked like a waste of time – remember, even a 90 minute flick is the equivalent of 10 ½ hours to a dog.  But when I heard my people talking about all the great reviews that human critics had given it, I decided to give it a chance.  It stars Jake Gyllenhaal, who you’ll probably remember from  Brokeback Mountain, the movie about those Austalian cattle dogs and the gay guys they hung around with.

The movie is about army Captain Coulter Stevens who wakes up on a train in someone else’s body.  After a few false starts, he learns that he has 8 minutes to find a bomb, and the would-be terrorist before the bomb blows up and kills hundreds.   Like the movie Groundhog Day, he has go back again and again until he gets it right.  But in the meantime, he learns some scary stuff about the people behind the military project known as Source Code, that can tap into the last few minutes of a human’s memory banks before they die.

The story was pretty good, and I didn’t fall asleep, even though I found a nice warm patch of sunlight on the floor to lay in while watching.  There are no dog’s featured in the movie, but there is a duck shown several times.  Boy, I really wanted to chase that duck.  My biggest problem with the movie was that if you really needed someone to go back in time and find a bomb on a train, you’d be much better off sending a Beagle or a Basset Hound than a stupid army guy who wastes a lot of time kissing.   I bet even I could’ve sniffed out that bomb, barked at the perp, and still had 6 minutes left to chase a sunbeam across the floor of the train.

In Summary:  Source Code was a like a trip to the vet’s office – the ride there is fun, but the payoff is disappointing.

Rating: 3/5 Wags

Sucker Punch: Worse Than The Vaccuum

By River Shaughnessy, Top Critic
Denver, Colorado

Sometimes, I make a big mess in the house, and I get in trouble. Director Zack Snyder made a HUGE mess of a $100 million budget. Does he have to go to time-out in his crate? No, he gets to try again with Superman.

Sucker Punch is about a hot babe stuck in the mind of another hot babe stuck in a mental institution, or maybe a bordello, depending on which babe’s reality you’re in. She plans to escape with a few other dumb broads by hypnotizing her captors with her awesome dancing. Her dancing is apparently so awesome, that she has to retreat inside her mind just to get through it. While there, she has to find a map, fire, a knife, a key, and her inner self, by way of fighting some Nazis, some robots, and some dragons. There are lots of fights, explosions, and even some flying things. You’d think a movie that was crammed full of all that stuff couldn’t possibly be boring, but somehow it totally was.

My favorite part of this movie was actually reading this human review by Flixist.com critic Alex Katz. “Sucker Punch is a dead rabbit brought in by a faithful, yet utterly stupid dog. He thinks it’s the bestest present in the whole world, but it’s just a stinking, dead corpse on your pillow.” This guy deserves a treat for one great analogy!

In Summary: I vomit things more interesting and less offensive than this movie.

Rating: 1/5 Wags
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