Monday, April 25, 2011

Water For Elephants Is Porno For Cougars


By Miss Tummy Cole, Top Critic
San Francisco, California

Sometimes I think about digging a hole under the fence and making a run for it. I could be a free agent, a solitary pup, making up my own rules, and then breaking ‘em. Maybe people would pay me kibble to do tricks – I can sit, stay, shake, and sometimes even roll over. I could be a big star! But I know I’d miss my mom, so I’ve decided to just stick around and play it cool, for now. But it sure is fun to dream, especially after watching a neat movie like this weekend’s Water For Elephants.

This movie tells the story of veterinary college dropout Jacob Jankowski (Twilight’s Robert Pattinson) who literally runs away and joins the circus. When ringmaster and major meanie August learns of the stowaway’s unique credentials, he promotes him to official vet to the Benzini Brother’s menagerie, one that includes lions, hyenas, Arabian horses and the star attraction – an elephant named Rosie. But we come to find that August is no easy man to work for - he abuses his employees, his animals, and even his glamorous wife Marlena (Reese Witherspoon). Now, Jacob has to protect not just his own hide, but also those of the animals he cares for and the woman he covets.

I liked pretty much everything about this movie. Rosie the Elephant was a real pro. There’s a Jack Russell named Queenie with a pretty big role for such a small dog. Christoph Waltz, who plays August, is a terrific villain, and I laughed so hard at this one part where he grabs Reese by her pointy chin. Pattinson just kind of stands there, but he’s hunky enough that it’s no big deal that he can’t act for shit. Reese’s was performance pretty good, and she looks very glamorous, but she’s about 10 years too old to play love interest to Pattinson. Their chemistry was not so great. I heard he prefers brunettes anyway.

Summary: Not the most spectacular show on Earth, but not half bad either.

Wags: 3/5

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