Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Green Lantern Holds No Flicker Of Interest

By Carl Scarano-Schulze, Top Critic
Hollywood, California

Sometimes I think watching a terrible movie can be as much fun as watching a good one. Every now and again, I like to just sit back and howl about how much the studios spend to make these big-budget action flicks that honestly deserve be buried in the backyard. But then I see the box office grosses for these movies, and I get sad. Because it’s partly my fault. I forked over my own hard-earned money to see a terrible movie, and it just encourages studio heads to make more of them.

This review is about Green Lantern, although it could easily be about Transformers: Dark of the Moon, which I’m sure we’ll be barking about soon enough. Honestly, I knew fuck-all about Green Lantern’s backstory before they started heavily promoting this movie. You too, huh? Well, in a nutshell, a human fighter pilot basically gets drafted into a squadron of intergalactic space cops to protect the universe from evil forces that wield fear as a weapon against peaceful alien races. Our hero says a little poem, and is granted a magic ring that grants him powers like super strength and flying, but also the ability to mentally manifest his will & imagination. And even though he’s kind of a bumbling bore at first, he ends up saving the universe when all of the elder, more experienced space cops fail to get the job done.

Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan only has one mode – smirky. I didn’t give two shits whether he lived or died – just like Hal didn’t give two shits about any civilians who lived or died, as long as it wasn’t his busty gal-pal, Carol. Blake Lively as Carol Ferris was too hot and leggy to be taken seriously. The story & script had all the complexities of last Saturday morning’s episode of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Good is good, evil is evil, flying is neat, and monsters are scary. Speaking of scary, this movies only redeeming quality was Peter Saarsgard’s perfomance as the villainous Hector Hammond. He injected some much needed talent into the casts’ otherwise dreadful performance. Unfortunately, it just wasn't enough to make it watchable. For a movie relying heavily on special effects, they were nothing if not cringe-worthy. But perhaps I shouldn't be so harsh - all in all, Green Lantern is exactly as entertaining as your favorite screensaver.

Summary: In brightest day, in blackest night, Green Lantern is nothing but painfully trite.

Wags: 1/5

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