Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Captain America: The Worst Avenger

By Karl Scarano-Schulze, Top Critic
Hollywood, California

I felt a little guilty last week when I realized that I know very little about Captain America. I’m sure he’s kinda important on the grand scale of superheroes (unlike Green Lantern, who I still know nothing about, thanks to one of the most forgettable movies ever made). Hell, I love America as much as the next pup, so going to see Captain America: The First Avenger seemed like a great way to support our troops without getting my paws dirty. Plus, it’s really hot outside, so it seemed like a win/win.

But apparently, I didn’t know anything about Captain America, because there’s nothing to know. He sucks! He was skinny, but then the government gave him steroids, so his powers are on par with Barry Bonds’s. He did a few song-and-dance numbers for an off-Broadway production, and is still a virgin. He has a big shield, but shoots bad guys with those puny little girl guns. He didn’t help kill Hitler, but he did help kill Hitler’s friend. Who was mad at the world because he got a bad chemical peel, so he’s going to destroy it by harnessing the awesome power of blue.

Another empty, hollow summer blockbuster with zero heart and even less excitement. Chris Evans, playing the title role as well as his alter ego, Steve Rogers, was absolutely flat – from his painful one-liners to his passionless onscreen kissing, to his needlessly-uncomfortable motorcycle stunts. Hugo Weaving, as Red Skull, was genuinely threatening and maniacal – when he still had his face on. The moment he took off his human visage, the rubbery red latex underneath made him about as terrifying as Jim Carrey in The Mask. Cap’s ragtag bunch of battle buddies were such offensive stereotypes, I wouldn’t be surprised if Captain Ireland was demanding reparations. Onscreen love interest Peggy Carter had a great rack, but they didn’t show it often enough to make her character interesting. I didn’t go to film school, but my animal instincts indicate that set design and art direction were sub-par. And if you were sticking around just for a sneak peak at next summer’s The Avengers – don’t waste your time. It was just too little, and way too late.

Summary: You’ll sympathize with the Nazis – when they’re biting down on their cyanide capsules.

Wags: 2/5

1 comment:

  1. Love it! I was having a hard time placing the red skull's bad makeup - and you nailed it with "the mask"! Last line in your review made me laugh out loud.


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