Friday, August 26, 2011

Moanin' and Groanin' For Conan

By Miss Tummy Cole, Top Critic
San Francisco, California

Yowza! Helloooo, Jason Momoa. Nice bod you've got there. Great hair, super white teeth, furrowed brow. What's that? I should be paying attention to your new movie, Conan The Barbarian? Oh, right, okay, sorry 'bout that. Is there a sex scene?

Let me back up a bit - first of all, this movie takes "topless" to a whole new level. Momoa is easily a 38DD pectoral. Then throw in a whole bevy of topless, jiggling, grateful slave girls, and you've got yourself one heck of a 3-D experience. For fans of Conan comics, there were plenty of beheadings, torture scenes, and horses being knocked over while their riders get maced in the face. The nice blend of nudity, gore, and violence made it a pleasant change from its recent adventure brethren - I'm looking at you here, Prince of Persia and Clash of the Titans (2010).

Unfortunately, there are 112 minutes of plot to sit through, and only 3 minutes of topless cavorting. And then there's the casting... Ron Perlman as Conan's warrior dad? He looks like he's got blonde dreadlocks, for christsake. Rose McGowan saunters onscreen as the black witch with the promisingly creepy bald head, only to blow it by opening her mouth and delivering her lines in a kewpie-doll-meets-Valley-Girl voice. The Jodi Foster look-alike they cast to play the romantic lead was a little lackluster, although her body double during the graphic sex scene was a perfect ten. And if that doesn't make a lame movie instantly watchable, this dog doesn't know what will. Overall, Conan The Barbarian equates to little more than 2 hours of eye candy, for the ladies and the tramps alike. But oh, how sweet it is!

Summary: "I live, I slay, I love Lisa Bonet, and I already spent my Game of Thrones money".

Wags: 3/5

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