Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Monkey See, Monkey Poo

By Miss Tummy Cole, Top Critic
San Francisco, California

Monkeys are, unfortunately, perfect for experimentation since they resemble humans so closely. Sadly, beagles are also ideal, since we're small, sweet, and trusting of humans. I have several good buddies who spent their formative years locked in cages for the good of humanity. Maybe this is why I'm so sensitive to the topic of animal testing. Supposedly PETA approved this seventh Planet of the Apes installment, but speaking strictly as an audience member, I choose to file this movie under "cruel and unusual punishment".

Cutey science guy Will (played by James Franco) works at a big drug company seeking a breakthrough medication for Alzheimer's. When a setback results in the head honcho demanding that they start over (and euthanize all research subjects), Will sneaks a baby ape, Caesar, home and proceeds to raise him as his own. We're basically along for the ride as Caesar grows into a rebellious, but still loveable, teenage genius. But when the ape shit finally hits the fan, you've been so inundated with how sympathetic the monkeys are and how evil the humans are, you can basically just sleep through the final battle and assume that the monkeys will triumph.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes was remotely watchable, but only as an air-conditioned matinee or a rental (and frankly I'm surprised that the director was able to resist the temptation to hurl 3-D feces in our faces). As an explanation of how Mother Nature replaced man with monkey, ROTPOTA had some really neat, surprisingly plausible plot points. But it still ends up nearly unwatchable due to the lame dialogue and lack of comic relief. Andy Serkis deserves a fat cut of the box office receipts for essentially carrying the entire movie. My pitch for hollywood's next blockbuster? Forget the humans entirely and invest in a one-man Andy Serkis show.

Summary: Hollywood, quit this monkey business while you're ahead.

Wags: 2/5

1 comment:

  1. Great minds think alike (by which i mean me and James Franco).



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