Saturday, November 19, 2011

Twitards, Rejoice!

By Stella Cole, Top Critic
Los Angeles, California

First comes love, then comes marriage.... then comes the parasitic fetus, killing you slowly from the inside out while mind-melding with your new husband and alienating the local K9s. But only if you're Bella Swan, and you're in The Twilight Series: Breaking Dawn, Part 1! This long awaited installment of the fanatically beloved vampire melodrama hit theaters this weekend, and unless you're "mature" or "capable of critical thinking", it does not disappoint. Just when you think that Twilight was sooooo five years ago, Breaking Dawn opens and you remember why you gave up your social life for this franchise in the first place.

This movie has it ALL!! Bella & Edward finally get married. They finally bang. She gets insta-preggers with a half vampire baby who is drinking her blood while in utero. Jacob tells his pack to fuck off. Edward chews the baby out of Bella's tummy, and Jacob falls in love with a five-minute old. Bella dies on the operating table, and Edward bites her all over!! Is she gonna make it? Did Edward turn her in time? Either way, they put her holocaust-worthy corpse in a blue minidress, just in case she pulls through. There are not enough exclamation points in the world to do the plot justice, folks.

Were there any dumb parts, you might ask? Boy, were there! For one thing, the Cullen's "cousins" from Alaska who flew in for the wedding were the skankiest bunch of trannies I've ever seen on the big screen. I guess when author Stephanie Meyer indicated that they were breathtakingly beautiful, she may have been being facetious. Bella's dress looked spectacular from every angle except the front, where some random seams ran diagonally over her boobs instead of under them. The scene where Bella announces the baby's name, Renesmee, was truly snort-worthy. However, in KStews defense, no one, not even Dame Judi Dench, could've delivered those lines any better, it's just a ridiculous plot point that can't be avoided, and no one's fault but Stephanie Meyers's. And finally, the only truly unwatchable scene: Jacob and Sam throw down, as CG wolves, and have a grumble-dog power struggle that ends in Jacob's rejecting Sam's alpha status, forever. Trust me, it's worse than it sounds.

All in all, it was a sheer delight to get to go from such ethereal and magical moments, such as the wedding & honeymoon, to the gross bloody horror that was the birthing of Renesmee. Hair & makeup did not shy away from transforming Bella from a luminous ingenue to a sickly, sallow corpse bride who guzzles blood from a sippy cup. And for any jerks who only tuned into previous installments for the high-speed fight scenes, you'd best look elsewhere, there's very little of that in Breaking Dawn. But if you like love, and marriage, and don't mind a little Rob Zombie in your OBGYN, then you just might agree; Breaking Dawn felt just as satisfying on film as it did in print.

Summary: How can Part 2 possibly top this one? All the good stuff already happened. I guess a little full frontal might help (Lookin' at you here, Summit).

Wags: 5/5
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